Dealing with Infildelity

So yesterday I asked my instagram what would you like me to talk about in my emails, I want to thank you for all your suggestions, it's good to know you want a bit of everything. I've taken random questions to answer from your suggestions.

Question

‘Im isolated with my boyfriend who has cheated in the past, we have moved past it but we still seem to be arguing about it. Any help would be appreciated’ 

Infidelity is something I have studied deeply as I have experienced it first hand. In fact 70% of people have dealt with infidelity in their lifetime. If you are the 30% you haven't experienced it then f**k you, you lucky sod!

The most painful aspect of my own experience of infidelity is that It robbed me of my identity. I attached myself to my partner. I didn't know who I was so I became  ‘His Girlfriend’ so when it was all taken away from me I had nothing to identify myself with. So I think it's important to note you must find your own identity whether you are single or in a relationship. We should not be relying on our partners for our happiness. 

‘We must seek self acceptance and uniqueness, we must fall in love with ourselves’

People cheat for a number of reasons and we are so quick to jump the gun and call the cheater a ‘snake’ but it's not always the case. For some it's a call for attention, to be heard. Others it's misaligning values and lack of self- awareness. 

Whatever the reason if you are going to take your partner back you must get to the core of why they did it, in order to learn and grow from the experience. In my research I have seen many couples grow and blossom after infidelity as it brings the problems to the surface to be dealt with. If your partner says; 

“Oh I don't know, i was f**ked, I wasn't thinking!’

Tell them to get thinking, maybe talk to a therapist, it's time to explore.

Let's go through my own experience. I studied human behaviour myself in order to get answers as my ex wasnt giving me bloody anything but a declined call! In the end I got to the core. 

As I was going about my business thinking everything was perfect, he was dealing with insecurity, but instead of expressing this to me, he internalised all his thoughts. He believed he wasn't good enough, he thought i was cheating and he said nothing ! He let these thoughts haunt his head and in the end he thought “Fuck it” he sabotaged and he probably thought he was protecting himself from being hurt himself. 

Now let's reflect, If he did not internalise these thoughts and spoke to me. I could have reassured him that in fact he was enough. If we had more open and effective communication then this may not have happened, and it's not just the cheater that must reflect and grow the partner must evaluate their actions also. I grew myself, I have now made sure in new relationships that I am always reassuring my partner that he is enough for me always.

 So if you were to get back with a cheater you should really reflect on what drove them to it and how you can fix it after and start a whole new relationship

So what I want you to note if your in this situation is this;

Your first relationship with this person is over and you can never get it back, choose now to have a second relationship and turn the experience of infidelity into an enlarging emotional journey .

Get to the core,learn from it and grow.

If you want to learn more about infidelity and how to recover from it as a couple then I suggest the book State Of Affairs.

Sinead ‘The reassurer’ Hegarty